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I was trying to explain to a Singleton what therapy was like for someone who is fragmented or for any one who has to see a shrink about childhood trauma. It is like you have loads of puzzle piece’s from lots of different puzzles which are events in your life.

Most of them you have no idea what the hell they mean or what goes where, and you and the therapist  have to try and pull all the puzzle piece out in the open and try to work out what they mean to you and what puzzle they belong to. Therapy for a DID person is hundreds of puzzles and no pictures or boxes to put them in. Hence why it takes so bloody long and is so unbelievable painful at time because each piece is connected to  trauma. Its like traveling back in time to the event, with no idea what the event is going to be or who is going to be in control at that time.


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So I found this little thornbirds record hidden in a charity shop today and grabbed it, because this is the reason why my daughter is called what she is. I remember watching some of this shortly after it was made and thought how romantic it was, he loved her right from the first moment he saw her.  I have since watched it again and still it invokes those unrealistic ahhhh and oh my god, but deep down personally I think ffs women move on you can’t have him. You fell in love as a teenager and never grew out of that, I don’t think her mother helped but that’s a whole other kettle of fish in the story ( if you have not watched it DO)

after yesterday’s blog on love it still has my mind thinking, what we seen and  experience as a child  moulds who we are as adults. Yes our peers and later on work colleagues change our opinions, but our  foundations  are built very early on. My ideas on love are weird and unrealistic to say the least, I think because there was so much trauma in my younger years. It made me see those closest to me through rose tinted glasses or due to the DID totally wrong ideas of what was actually happening.

 

My parents are a great example my dad in my eyes was this super hero in the army saving the world and killing bad guys, who early on until my brothers came along and we moved into town made my mother come alive when he was home on leave. The rest of the time seemed to be taken up with friends/work/army wives and shopping, or do it seemed because I was away in boarding school.   As an adult I can see she was very unhappy because he drank and slept his way around the world, and had done since they were first married. But may be she thought she had made her bed she better lay in it, an  Irish catholic married to a British solider in the  70s  she could not go home.  In saying all of this I never heard them shout at each other nor argue, when dad was not there sure mother could put a banshee to shame with her shouting.

It was like having many mothers right from my earliest memory there was the woman she was when dad was home, and the woman she became when he was not there.  Then the woman who she was when we went to Ireland and the woman she is today, all totally different in every way. May be because I am fragmented I am able to  recognise this happening, so to me it was normal or  perhaps a hope that everyone is like me and I am normal.

Unrealistic love is what everyone wants you see it in movies, on the TV, in books and by watching others in public ( who are in most cases putting on a show) A mothers love is unconditional that’s what we are taught, when we look at our mothers most can lay a lot of blame squarely at their door. Rightly so in a lot of cases because a mother is the back born of every household, if you need something food, money, advice or love that’s a mothers job. Motherly love is not a magical bond that comes with an  instruction manual, it’s heartbreak, worry, stress and trying to live up to your own mother or trying not to make the same mistakes they did.   As I have grown older and wiser I hope I am able to understand more of the  whys and wwhat fors, forgiveness and forgetting the pain and hurt to form a friendship of sorts. I am able to see her as a person in her own right, not a mother who is meant to know all and fix everything. Before  I didn’t understand the whys and how’s of a mothers love, for a very long time it was not helped by the fact that not all of my people  are grown up some are still very young and their mum is an army wife or the Irish mother. Messed up and confusing I know, even my therapist struggled to understand the complexities of our  relationship.

I won’t go into too many details of my own parenting skills, because I still hang my head in shame of the things my children have to see and experience when they were growing up. It has  ultimately helped me understand my own mother, but still never really accepting or forgiving myself for having DID. I know this is not my fault having this illness/disorder, I thought  selfishly that it was only I that was suffering this craziness alas no !!! my children had to suffer it too. I don’t think I will ever forgive the abusers and the hate will always live within me because their damage reached far beyond me.  Not in an abusive way I never touched my children, not a poke, shove, smack nothing I could barely hug them for so long for fear my dirty brokenness would infect them.  What my children taught me is unconditional love comes in many forms, they loved me all of me’s totally in ever form/ personality/ mother that came forward to care of them.  It humbles me how to this day they have my back always, an  unquestionable unshakable faith and love in me. I have learnt to love them as people characters in their own right, in the beginning and for so many years I just protected them (or tried too) never wanting to love them because I had learnt that you hurt people in the name of love. Fucked up I know but that’s what my foundation had taught me, my children taught me differently.

So does the picket fence happily ever after exist in real life, not just in the movies and fairytales. May be it does for some people those who have spent a life time working on it, a life time of ups and downs to get their happily ever after. For others inside they believe it, they want the fairytale, they want the family the unrealistic love. For  me personally it’s a little harder to believe it’s out there,  it’s hard to believe that one person can love someone so damaged and fragmented. I wrote a poem many years ago “love me love all of me” I will post it up again because I think it’s very adept, how can one person love so many. They fall in love with me but I am not me all the time, I am one of many my own friends struggle at times to understand, support and believe. My thoughts are life is to damn short make hay while the sun is shinning, I could be dead tomorrow and every person deserves a little unrealistic love and happiness  occasionally. What’s the worst that could happen, I get hurt well go ahead because bigger and harder have tried.


IMG_2641.PNGSo my daughter has started her own blog

https://alittleplacetowrite.com

Somewhere to write her thoughts and feelings down about life and love, it got me thinking about my life and love and what love means to me! A big question and a lot of thoughts pop into my head when you mention love and marriage now.

first one being I laugh are you joking? Second I do actually laugh out loud.

Who would love someone as broken as I feel, not on the outside as I’ve healed a lot on the past few years. But deep down inside where I still feel dirty and broken, I think on the outside I’ve learnt to smile and wave to say and do the right things. Do I believe in love and fairytales I think most women want the fairytale, the mills and boon love story me I am not so sure that is real anymore. Those early day feelings of need and wanting  are replaced with fondness, companionship and a deep friendship, where you grow together, look after each other and support each other’s hopes, dreams and wishes for the future. With some people it takes a short amount of time to meet that someone who you are willing to share your life with or you are willing to try with. In this throw away society people want this life straight away and are not willing to work at it, quickly moving on to the next Prince Charming to forfil their dreams.  In life and love the road is never smooth if it was smooth you would get bored very quickly, it’s finding someone you are willing to explore the ups and downs with. Teaching the other person about your needs and wants and learning theirs, love when you are older your life normally comes with baggage and in the case of a survivor one carries a lot of bagged.  I envy young love freer than most as it comes with little baggage (well in most cases) they throw themselves in to love and relationships without a backwards glance or care believing themselves to have a love that will last a life time Ha Ha Ha sorry that’s the old   Cynic in me. A lot of people I have noticed think sex and love are the same thing, girls changing themselves to become who their boyfriend or partner wants them to be in order to keep them. I feel sorry for those who have done this, then I feel sorry for myself because how many times have I become someone else, literally became a whole new person to forfil that persons needs or wants. Then ended up hating who I was or the role I felt I was forced to play, I am not normal and I am never going to be. I am a We a collective of many all wanting to be respected and supported not just one person.  As much as I can play a singleton We are a Dider! How can someone love me when I didn’t know who I was or that I didn’t even love myself or accept they needs of the insiders. Fucked up or what!!!

 

Love such a horrid big confusing emotional word to explain  when it comes to loving another person. But your family, friends or your children that in most normal cases is easier and fits in to neat boxes . Not every case is the same as we know, families fall out, children hate their parents and friends are not always there forever. Give me FFC love any day over relationships love, I think personally it does not help because everyone has their own idea of what love is to them. From learn behaviour, peers, TV and now the internet. All of which can give some seriously mess up ideas of what love should be!

Love for me in my early years meant pain and hurt, most people that were meant to love and protect me, ended up hurting me in the name of love, god or wanting to teach me how to be a good girl. So as we know I fragmented into many pieces to take all this so called Love!! (I wish they had loved me a little less) I look back and realised personally I did not have any real role models of what most people would call love, only the abusive, drunken, bury head in sand, whoring  around type of role models. Most people that said they loved me hurt me in the most terrible way, love  became another word for sex and pain. I have since learnt that the ones/insiders who knew nothing of this trauma learnt of love from books and music and Films, which we know is a total fantasy world of make believe no wonder our love life was always doomed to fail.  Unrealistic expectations from them and not loving my selves or myself enough. To quote a wise old bird ” if you can’t love yourself how on earth you expect someone else to love you”

I realised in love I just watched what others did and wanted and became that person, a mask that we wore different people underneath but the same mask. So few realised that it was a role we played, a smiling mask whose only job was to meet the needs of others. While the whole time dying inside from confusion, hopelessness and hurt, but it’s something we learnt to do well for many many  many years. A lifetime of playing someone else, never actually dating to look inside at what we wanted.

I realised when I moved into town,  I’ve never lived alone truly alone and for a few short months it was heavenly. Pleasing only myself doing what we wanted,  building a home for us somewhere to feel safe and that actually looked like we all lived here. I threw out everything that did not please me, and still to this day I have realised I hate curtains being closed. I love the light and  I hate the darkness,  I love not being closed in I love colourful  chaos.

 

Ive been writing for hours and Am still full or questions and answers but that is enough for tonight.

 

 


We could learn a lot about crayons

some are sharp

some are pretty

some are dull

some are broken

some have weird name

and all are different colours

But they all have to live in the same box.

This poem really explains how DID/MPD works, and how hard it is for everyone inside to live together in one body with many minds.

Hi I’m a lady with a body full of other people, lol mad I know but that’s what we are’ The Doctor’s call it Multiple personality disorder, or Dissociative Identity disorder. DID for short. A mouth full I know it took them years to work out what was wrong with us..nothing as far as I was aware of I thought everybody had people like me inside. After 6 1/2 years of therapy they tell me we were cured and sane again, are we sane and cured. NOPE back to therapy again we go. !!!! This is us like it or not here we come…………..

Here is the medical bit for the doctors out there,

What Is Multiple Personality Disorder?

Multiple personality disorder is a severe mental disorder in which a person displays two or more distinct identities. There can be as many as 100 personalities or more, although most patients display about 10 to 15 different personalities. Each takes control over the patient’s behaviour for a period of time, usually adopting a unique name, voice, movement style, and life history.
What Causes Multiple Personalities?

The exact cause of multiple personality disorder is unknown, but often patients with the disorder have experienced prolonged severe childhood sexual abuse. Doctors see multiple personality disorder as the child’s mind attempt to cope with particularly traumatic events. For example, a child might deal with extreme physical or sexual abuse by hiding memories of the abuse and displaying other personalities.


Written by the wonderful…Linda and Greg Crowhurst 13th Sept 2011 (www.stonebird.co.uk)

First and foremost you have to remember that the person with Severe ME does not react to the environment in the same way that you, a person without ME, does.

The environment is hostile and assaulting, normal things that you would not even notice or would enjoy are too much, for the person with Severe ME :

Noise hurts.

Light hurts.

Movement hurts.

Food hurts.

Chemicals hurt.

Cleaning products hurt.

Perfumes hurt.

Contact hurts.

Questions hurt.

Information hurts.

Movement hurts.

Relaxation hurts.

Rest hurts.

Exercise hurts.

Computer screens hurt.

TV hurts.

Talking hurts.

Radio hurts.

Interaction hurts.

Demands hurt.

External expectation hurts.

Clothes hurt.

Touch hurts.

Trying to help, hurts.

Everything you do can hurt and make that person hurt, can make the person more ill, can deteriorate their physical health.

However dreadful their life is, you have to remember you can make it worse without intention.

The best thing a person with Severe ME can hope for is that you :

Accept that the person is extremely physically ill.

Know that they will not react normally to any stimulus.

Know that they may not be able to communicate their needs and wishes at any one time, or at all.

Know that their reactions are because of illness, not necessarily how they feel about you.

Understand the affect you have on them, because they are physically ill and extremely hypersensitive, in multiple ways.

Minimise the impact you have by respecting what the person with Severe ME tells you and by relating it to your own actions i.e. if they say “Don’t wear perfume”, it is because of multiple chemical sensitivity. So please do not wear perfume.

Do not minimise the importance of what they tell you or think they are being difficult. Realise how significant things are.

Even if things seem bizarre and extreme to you, do what is asked of you out of respect. You can make a person dreadfully ill otherwise.

Understand what is physically wrong in the person; in Severe ME there is complex multiple system dysfunction. You need to be clear that ME is a World Health Organization Neurological Disease, not a “fatigue” state, it is not about just being “tired” and exercise will not make it better.

Do not buy them gifts that make you feel like you are a good person, but which are irrelevant or in denial of the person’s reality i.e. do not buy toiletries and perfumes, for a person with multiple chemical sensitivity. Do not buy sweets , pastries, cakes, for the person who has food allergies; unless you know it will not harm them.

Do not give them a writing set, if they cannot hold a pen.

Be aware of any sensitivities, allergies the person may have and really try to think what the person needs or likes, that wil not harm them.

Be aware of the way noise sensitivity impacts upon a person with Severe ME and do not do things that will exacerbate it. It may be worse at different times of day. Understand when is the best time to try and make contact, if that contact involves noise i.e. telephone.

Do not turn up unannounced if they have told you not to. Be flexible in your arrangements with the person with Severe ME. Do not blame them or think they do not care, if they cannot keep and an appointment.

Communicate with them in the way they can manage; overstimulation can lead to worsening symptoms.

Do not disregard the physical limits placed upon a person with Severe ME :

· If they say they can only talk for a minute, do not go beyond that limit, no matter how frustrating that might be.

· If they say “do not ask a direct question”, find another way to find the information you want, because the cognitive dysfunction is complex and very real. A question could shut the person’s head down completely.

· If they say they can only cope with one person in the room, do not bring several people with you to visit.

· Be open and flexible.

· If they say they cannot physically do something, do not disbelieve them.

Do not assume that the medical world knows best. The current medical system is compromised by psychiatric untruth.

Any medical opinion needs to be based upon the biomedical truth that ME is a neurological disease.

Do not assume that because you want to help, that you can help.

Ask yourself what can you offer, how can you help, not hinder or make worse ? Any interaction needs to be based on respect, honour and acceptance.

You need to :

Respect the person

Honour the illness

Accept the physical reality

and combat all untruth.

You need to know that there are no straightforward paths to help a person with Severe ME, no matter how much you want there to be.

You need to know that most things will not help; many may cause additional suffering. You need to know that even if you do all you can to help the person, they may still not be able to access and take advantage of what you offer.

The gap between their life and your life is vast and wide and maybe unbreachable. Isolation may be the only way a person can cope with the torments of their illness and the assaults of the physical environment.

Help them to live their life in their way and aim not to hurt them by ignorance, neglect, rejection, denial, carelessness, condescension, unawareness or over-enthusiasm and good intentions .

Most damage is done to the person with Severe ME by others :

Not listening to them.

Not hearing them.

Not seeing them.

Not accepting them.

Not understanding them.

Not knowing them.

Not thinking .

Not respecting.

Not getting it right.

Not validating.

Not valuing.

Not empathizing

by :

ignoring them

denying them

abusing them

neglecting them

forgetting them

being careless

being arrogant

disrespecting

devaluing

persecuting

avoiding

disregarding

imposing your will

interpreting wrongly

by thinking that you know better.

If you aim to be aware, hopefully you will avoid these pitfalls.

You need to be very careful to make sure that you do not wrongly interpret the reality of the person with Severe ME and end up blaming them, either overtly or covertly, for the situation they are in.

Do not give up hope, do not abandon them, listen and wait and love them still realising that they are horrendously physically ill; there is a great physical need for healing but the answers are not necessarily there, no matter how much you want them to be.

I found this well written and easy to understand article about ME, this is the level my darling knight in sleepy armour is at, my soul mate in this life time and all those that follow. I thought I would share it as many of my wonderful friends have not met my darling and the above helps you understand why.


These are not meant to upset or hurt, They are meant to make you smile and laugh, after living with MPD, DID for 43 years I have earned the right to laugh.

I hope you have enjoyed some of these there are so many to up load, feel free to borrow, I just got them from Google.


Here are a few serious and a few funny excuses for having self harm scars. Most I have tried and had some funny reactions. ( this is meant as a joke before anyone sends any crappy messages back).  My body looks like a patch work quilt so I think I have earned the right to post this and lol at my own scars because if I don’t lol I will end up upset and hurt by how people react.

1. It sucks having parents who are sadists.
2.  my boyfriend and I accidentally went overboard during our last S & M session.
3. I moon light as a stunt-woman who dives through glass windows.

4. all the orange dye didn’t come off my arms, and my husband confused me with the carrots for our salad. roll your eyes I keep telling him if he doesn’t get his glasses fixed soon, we’ll all end up dead!
5.  You know,The hospitals around here just aren’t as quality focused as they used to be.
6. I used the wrong type of batteries in my chainsaw.
7. Sculpting with shards of glass probably wasn’t the most brilliant idea I’ve ever come up with, but it’s a lot cheaper than my ‘silk period’ was.
8. gang raped by mikey mouse
9. Don’t ever go nude running in Alaska when it’s –107º outside. Just don’t.
10. Oh, these? Got them in a cat fight. But you should see the other chick!
11. There not cuts, they’re hives. I’m allergic to idiots.
12. Those damn Pagan’s and their ‘Hug a Rosebush’ campaign!
13. “What? What are you talking about((((look at scars)))) then look back at person, several times… squint at person… make them feel generally nervous.
14. Well… they umm… well it broke (that’ll happen when you hit one against the wall thirty or forty times)… and anyway the pieces were sharper than I expected them to be… damn bike **walk away muttering**
15. The Russians were trying to save me from the black oil, but seeing as they only had one arm each, I managed to get away.
16. yell WELL, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF SOMEONE DROPPED A HOUSE ON YOU?!?  storm away
17.  chuckle nervously  When they tell you to keep your legs and arms inside the aircraft at all times, they aren’t joking.
18. look at your scars and frown You mean you don’t have any?

19. Well, last time it was an alien baby. I’m actually kind of relieved.
20.  It fell on me. walk away
21. You know those signs that say, ‘Do Not Feed The Bears’? They put them there for a pretty good reason!
22. I thought it would be a great idea to install an industrial fan above my bed, but it turns out that I walk in my jump.

23.  Thats what happens if you sleep with a possesed mouse.. tut tut tut
24. You have no idea what you have to go through to get a pair pf shoes from the T K MAX sale
25. well this one time at band camp

26.  The guy said the car was free, but let me tell you, it wasn’t exactly free.
27. I had a narrow escape from a firing squad.
28. Now that is an interesting question; it all ties in with the eternal enigma: why are we here, for what purpose does life on earth exist? go on about the meaning of life until everyone gets bored and goes away
29. Someone threw a fridge at me, and I missed it.
30. It was an accident involving a packet of wine gums, egg,  a pine tree and myself.
31. How did I get these scars? How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?
32. I”m a mentalist.   smirk intelligently
33. smile provocatively You really don’t want to know the answer to that.
34. I just woke up and they were there.
35. I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you
36. Carving a turkey is harder than it looks

37. You want me to show you? smile evily
38. If you don’t know then I’m not going to tell you, you don’t have enough chocolate to get me to tell you
39. I was in the wars a while back.
40. Let’s just say because of me, they now have warning labels.
41. I lost an argument with a barbed wire fence. See, I wanted to get to the other side.
42. Well,The instruction pamphlet WAS in japanese

43. Don’t EVER give blood abroad!
44. You think my arms are scarred? You should see my arse…start to pull pants down
45. Mind your own fucking business!
46. Scars? What scars? I don’t see any scars, these are ski jumps for stunt rats
47. I never could catch that damn road runner.
48. I fell over the edge. never go rock climbing in heels.
49. I went clam spankingObviously, you’ve never been.
50. never w#nk with false nails,
51. A customer made me really, really mad and then when I went to hand him his change… my boss asked me not to talk about it.”
52. Two words -peanut factory.,say this with a serious expression

53.  My new roommate is trying to learn how to be a make-up artist.
54. I started a lion-trainer’s apprenticeship
55.  I crashed while riding my broom drunk.
56. I had a three sum with a couple of  porcupine’s.

57. Well, I tend to get a little violent with the computer when it doesn’t cooperate.
58. Well, this one time at band camp..
59. They’re little tiny landing strips for little tiny aliens
60. I fell into a puddle of knives.
61. Scars? What scars? look at arm and scream Oh my god! What happened to my arm?!
62. Ohh those? Bad juggling accident. I don’t like to talk about it. I’m much better now
63. Oh these? Hmm, I dunno, they’ve just always been there. Well, I mean, ever since I took over this body, anyway. Strange, don’t you think?
64. **laugh seductively** “Oh, these are Marquesian symbols of fertility.

65. Ozzy Osborne is my uncle and we have some kick butt family reunions!
66. Those psychology experiments are soooo not worth the extra credit…
67. Oh my god! Never, EVER try taking candy from a baby!
68. I used to work at McDonald’s and you would not believe what the staff training invovles.

69.never go swimming naked.

70. I had edward cullens baby before bella did.

71. the things you have to do these days to get a loan.

72. the toast told me to do it.

73. was not me,

74 oh my god, wtf  where did they come from HELPPPPPPPPPPPPP

75, these are all the rage, everyone will be having them done.