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Here are a few serious and a few funny excuses for having self harm scars. Most I have tried and had some funny reactions. ( this is meant as a joke before anyone sends any crappy messages back).  My body looks like a patch work quilt so I think I have earned the right to post this and lol at my own scars because if I don’t lol I will end up upset and hurt by how people react.

1. It sucks having parents who are sadists.
2.  my boyfriend and I accidentally went overboard during our last S & M session.
3. I moon light as a stunt-woman who dives through glass windows.

4. all the orange dye didn’t come off my arms, and my husband confused me with the carrots for our salad. roll your eyes I keep telling him if he doesn’t get his glasses fixed soon, we’ll all end up dead!
5.  You know,The hospitals around here just aren’t as quality focused as they used to be.
6. I used the wrong type of batteries in my chainsaw.
7. Sculpting with shards of glass probably wasn’t the most brilliant idea I’ve ever come up with, but it’s a lot cheaper than my ‘silk period’ was.
8. gang raped by mikey mouse
9. Don’t ever go nude running in Alaska when it’s –107º outside. Just don’t.
10. Oh, these? Got them in a cat fight. But you should see the other chick!
11. There not cuts, they’re hives. I’m allergic to idiots.
12. Those damn Pagan’s and their ‘Hug a Rosebush’ campaign!
13. “What? What are you talking about((((look at scars)))) then look back at person, several times… squint at person… make them feel generally nervous.
14. Well… they umm… well it broke (that’ll happen when you hit one against the wall thirty or forty times)… and anyway the pieces were sharper than I expected them to be… damn bike **walk away muttering**
15. The Russians were trying to save me from the black oil, but seeing as they only had one arm each, I managed to get away.
17.  chuckle nervously  When they tell you to keep your legs and arms inside the aircraft at all times, they aren’t joking.
18. look at your scars and frown You mean you don’t have any?

19. Well, last time it was an alien baby. I’m actually kind of relieved.
20.  It fell on me. walk away
21. You know those signs that say, ‘Do Not Feed The Bears’? They put them there for a pretty good reason!
22. I thought it would be a great idea to install an industrial fan above my bed, but it turns out that I walk in my jump.

23.  Thats what happens if you sleep with a possesed mouse.. tut tut tut
24. You have no idea what you have to go through to get a pair pf shoes from the T K MAX sale
25. well this one time at band camp

26.  The guy said the car was free, but let me tell you, it wasn’t exactly free.
27. I had a narrow escape from a firing squad.
28. Now that is an interesting question; it all ties in with the eternal enigma: why are we here, for what purpose does life on earth exist? go on about the meaning of life until everyone gets bored and goes away
29. Someone threw a fridge at me, and I missed it.
30. It was an accident involving a packet of wine gums, egg,  a pine tree and myself.
31. How did I get these scars? How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?
32. I”m a mentalist.   smirk intelligently
33. smile provocatively You really don’t want to know the answer to that.
34. I just woke up and they were there.
35. I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you
36. Carving a turkey is harder than it looks

37. You want me to show you? smile evily
38. If you don’t know then I’m not going to tell you, you don’t have enough chocolate to get me to tell you
39. I was in the wars a while back.
40. Let’s just say because of me, they now have warning labels.
41. I lost an argument with a barbed wire fence. See, I wanted to get to the other side.
42. Well,The instruction pamphlet WAS in japanese

43. Don’t EVER give blood abroad!
44. You think my arms are scarred? You should see my arse…start to pull pants down
45. Mind your own fucking business!
46. Scars? What scars? I don’t see any scars, these are ski jumps for stunt rats
47. I never could catch that damn road runner.
48. I fell over the edge. never go rock climbing in heels.
49. I went clam spankingObviously, you’ve never been.
50. never w#nk with false nails,
51. A customer made me really, really mad and then when I went to hand him his change… my boss asked me not to talk about it.”
52. Two words -peanut factory.,say this with a serious expression

53.  My new roommate is trying to learn how to be a make-up artist.
54. I started a lion-trainer’s apprenticeship
55.  I crashed while riding my broom drunk.
56. I had a three sum with a couple of  porcupine’s.

57. Well, I tend to get a little violent with the computer when it doesn’t cooperate.
58. Well, this one time at band camp..
59. They’re little tiny landing strips for little tiny aliens
60. I fell into a puddle of knives.
61. Scars? What scars? look at arm and scream Oh my god! What happened to my arm?!
62. Ohh those? Bad juggling accident. I don’t like to talk about it. I’m much better now
63. Oh these? Hmm, I dunno, they’ve just always been there. Well, I mean, ever since I took over this body, anyway. Strange, don’t you think?
64. **laugh seductively** “Oh, these are Marquesian symbols of fertility.

65. Ozzy Osborne is my uncle and we have some kick butt family reunions!
66. Those psychology experiments are soooo not worth the extra credit…
67. Oh my god! Never, EVER try taking candy from a baby!
68. I used to work at McDonald’s and you would not believe what the staff training invovles.

69.never go swimming naked.

70. I had edward cullens baby before bella did.

71. the things you have to do these days to get a loan.

72. the toast told me to do it.

73. was not me,

74 oh my god, wtf  where did they come from HELPPPPPPPPPPPPP

75, these are all the rage, everyone will be having them done.



  1. OMG I died laughing! I will have to remember some of these to use. I’ve worn long sleeves all year long for years because I didn’t want to hear it. (I scar really bad). Now I know what to say when I’m brave enough to start wearing short sleeves again. Before my last 300-staple incident, people asked me what kind of surgery I’d had…now I don’t know what they’ll ask…but I’m going to have some ready answers. I love your sense of humor.

  2. I have collected them over the years, when I heard them. I used to say them in my head when people asked me about them, I have covered my body for years not showing any one. My arms are not too bad ;-\ I use my body more, not even my knight in shinning armour see’s them. Now I have got to that F*CK you stage this is me, I say these above just to get people to leave us alone and embarrass the stupid ones and protect my insiders who do some of the cutting.

  3. I want to be bold but don’t have the guts, lol. Our hubby came up with one to add to your list, and it’s Veteran’s Day here in the States tomorrow, so it’s perfect. “I’m a Vet and the enemy has never heard of the Geneva Convention.” When we talked about this, there was also some joking around about the razor in the package for POW’s from the Red Cross. Offensive? Maybe…

  4. Thats a good one, I’ll add that to my list. it has taken me years to be brave and give it large, and i still wobble some times. but it feels good to stick the middle finger up to them

  5. Those were all very awesome, thanks for the laugh, im sick of feeling bad just because other people ask stuff that isent their business.

    • I was done being hurt and embarrassed by what people say, a long time ago they don’t like them tough :-).

      You got to laugh or you will cry

  6. Fantastic! Some of these are just great! Who am I kidding? ALL of these! Definitely going to be using some 😉 thanks soooo much.

  7. Lol, well this one time at band camp… that’s already how all my conversations start.

  8. Reblogged this on Alexandriaaa's life.

  9. Haha these are ducking awesome and i wish we were friends. Thank you.

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